8 Things Your Masseuse Doesn't Want You to Know

Here's what your massage therapist is really thinking when you're naked on the table

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We give you a crappy massage if you show up wasted Maybe it's the dim lighting and the lack of clothes, but our sources say some people are convinced that a massage should be a drunken affair, especially if they're at a hotel or on vacation. "They come in after several cocktails and it's difficult to work with them. They become dead weight on the table."

Our source explains that alcohol can actually hinder your spa experience, for a few reasons. One, you're likely to fall asleep, so you're missing out on the experience entirely. Two, even if you stay awake, if you're drunk you won't be as present and aware of your body so you won't experience the stress release as much as you would sober. Three, alcohol can interfere with the endorphin release that happens during a massage, so the effects might not last as long.

Our advice: if you want to booze it up, do it after the massage.

Image via BraunS/Getty

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Older comments

I stopped reading at #4. I have been a massage therapist for 22 years.. and this article has more of the flavor of TMZ or Star Magazine. Did you really get paid to write this? Are you even a real writer?

by ThaiChiShakra Monday, April 22, 2013 at 04:54PM Report as inappropriate

Interesting information. Cell phones should be off and you should definitely be clean before you're appt

by EricaC123 Wednesday, February 6, 2013 at 07:01PM Report as inappropriate

Ugh. For some reason I thought the author of the article was in fact herself practicing massage therapy. Knowing she doesn't and just 'interviewed people'... I don't think she did. If she did, she must know the sleaziest people imaginable.

by Zgurl Wednesday, February 6, 2013 at 06:37PM Report as inappropriate

I'd just like to say, as a massage client, that unless your client is 100% out of touch with their body, emotions, and intuition, we KNOW if you give off a gross energy. And those of us who are smart and have self-respect will either leave without a massage from you or stop mid-session. (sadly a lot of people feel too uncomfortable to speak up.) This list is not in any way accurate of most licensed massage therapists. Massage therapy is considered a healing profession and to be in a healing profession requires empathy. The obvious lack of empathy displayed here shows that the author should get a different job because massage therapy isn't for her. Maybe a job in a massage parlor giving "happy endings", which might be more in keeping with her level of class.

by Zgurl Wednesday, February 6, 2013 at 06:30PM Report as inappropriate

I wish I could get a massage

by LittleBunny Friday, December 21, 2012 at 11:25AM Report as inappropriate

Titilating feature with no reedemable qualities!!

by CrunchyFrog Wednesday, October 10, 2012 at 11:50PM Report as inappropriate

This article is completely ridiculous. I am a Massage Therapist (not masseuse!) and I treat everybody with the same respect, no matter who gets on my table! And another thing for the naive commenters below: Nobody is "getting naked in front of a stranger", because if you are at a respectable and professional facility, we step out of the room while you get undressed, and at no point in the session see your off-limit body parts. Thank you.

by shan_s2beschaefer Monday, October 8, 2012 at 06:45PM Report as inappropriate

One more important point: Massage therapy is a safe, clean, professional and quite effective treatment for many ailments. Simple and natural, it relieves pain, discomfort, headaches, muscle spasm, and so many other problems they many people seek medical care for; often wasting time and money searching for the perfect cure. Try massage first or any of the 'alternative' means of care before seeing your doctor. Chances are, if it's muscular, we can rid the problem without any meds. It's a simple treatment and it has absolutely nothing to do with sex or "touching people in an inappropriate manner", gossip or otherwise. Look for a reputable therapist that is board certified and licensed. The AMTA is great place to start. A member of the Better Business Bureau is better still. Stay away from the "Kmart" brand of massage such as the Massage Envys and the Hand & Stones, who employ either inexperienced or frankly uncertified therapists (unfortunately this is a fact) and seek instead a reputable massage therapist in your area that people know. They way, there is no reason to avoid this incredibly powerful therapy that will amaze you, as it rids your body of so many ailments, naturally.

by jill_donato_davisyelle Sunday, September 2, 2012 at 07:32AM Report as inappropriate

This article was the most MISinformed article I've ever read and rather damaging to our industry. The ONLY truth to this article is the fact that a licensed therapist will not necessarily render a good massage. And excuse me, "JERKS"?! I think not. I've been a highly trained and respected massage therapist (NOT a masseuse) for 11 years. I protect my clients' modesty at all costs, and I never think about anything other than relieving their pain and relaxing them. I am completely insulted by this article. We NEVER see ANYONE completely naked. We DO NOT break confidentiality by speaking about any session with anyone. I've never had anyone who smells; please! Cellphones are fine. We are getting paid for the session. If there's an important call and the client needs to answer, that's their business; the massage continues unless it's an emergency, in which case the session may need to stop. There are clients who can be considered 'undesirable' in that they lack basic professional ethics, in which case we have the right to refuse them in the future. As for the drunks; first of all, this must be in isolated incident, because I have NEVER had a drunk client on my table. However, there was a misuse in the word entirely. While alcohol can indeed cause a person to fall asleep, they are still benefitting from the increased circulation; thereby literally pushing that alcohol out of the body faster. Being under the influence of alcohol is a general contraindication to massage in the first place, and these clients should probably be turned away. Finally, falling asleep during a massage and snoring is a compliment to a massage therapist; just like belching after a meal in Belgium. I would really like to know what kind of rinky-dink operation TotalBeauty contacted for this horribly informed article. Some of these comments are good, but the fact that anyone believed a great percentage of this article is sad. It angers someone like me who has build a successful and professional business; all the while trying to 'cure' the misconceptions about this profession, as stated to be true in this article. Shame on you TotalBeauty!!

by jill_donato_davisyelle Sunday, September 2, 2012 at 05:58AM Report as inappropriate

haha about the guy with the toupee!

by michellefuentes Saturday, September 1, 2012 at 05:47PM Report as inappropriate