Sure, boyfriends and husbands get to have opinions on things. For example, they can offer suggestions on where to go for dinner, tell us how much they love our new sexy perfume, serve up some tax advice … that's all good.

Operator: 911, what is your emergency?

Me: Hi, I'm going to need backup. I've got a pimple that's broken into my chin. I want to pop it, but I'm scared. It's armed, it's dangerous and it's threatening to ruin my Valentine's Day!

**WARNING** No amount of beauty tips will garner you a promotion if you suck at your job, are lazy and unmotivated, or get caught talking smack about your boss when you by accidently hit "reply all" to the company email chain.

I can be walking past a perfume counter in Macy's, catch the sweet scent of Bulgarian rose and almond wafting through the air and be immediately transported to my sophomore year in college when anything and everything was a possibility and I wore the scent Hanae Mori like it were going out of style. That, my friends, was a good year.

The name of the health game is all about prevention nowadays. We've stopped smoking to prevent lung cancer, a host of other ailments and aging skin (see the six other deadly skin sins). We watch what we eat to prevent diabetes and heart disease. Heck, we even get H1N1 shots in the rare chance of us contracting the swine flu.

Since everyone else and their non-British mom is playing make believe trying to imagine what Kate Middleton and Prince William's wedding will be like, we at the Total Beauty office have decided to join in the non-creepy fun. I mean it's totally not weird that I have the event date circled on my calendar as if it's a wedding I will actually be attending and that I have already looked into non-stop flights to Heathrow, right?

Oh Cher, how I can relate to you. Not because I secretly want to be a Burlesque dancer, but because we both want to "turn back time." While you have resorted to plastic surgery (and because of that has been named one of the

A mock Golden Globes acceptance speech for the best celebrity hairstyle seen on the red carpet this year:

I'm never dating anyone from Philadelphia again. You hear me? Never.

Good news! You aren't dead … yet. But you will be someday, and all those fierce, cutting-edge, awesome haircuts you were too chicken (Bok ... Bok ... BACOCK … yes, that's me taunting you) to try, will be left, never to be tried again. Tear.