Women are always seeking out the new, best and quickest ways to tighten, primp, and stop the natural aging process. Beauty-enhancing gadgets may look differently than they did in years past, but the crazy beauty gadgets below are similar in their overall go-go gadget wackiness.

No. 9: Love My Bubbles Butt Pads and Hip Pad Briefs

In this age of Bootylicious and Jennifer Lopez, women without extra “junk in the trunk” are looking for easy ways to create a more luscious behind. Butt pads are more rational than butt implants or other dangerous invasive surgeries, but the notion of stuffing your underwear should not be a realistic one for grown women. Love My Bubbles Butt Pads are available in many different shapes and sizes, such as oval or round. The Butt Pads are then inserted into your specially equipped Love My Bubbles panties, which have back pockets sewn into them. And while this product could initially sound tempting, the Butt Pads are not made to provide the lift of a toned butt, but rather, they simply make your butt look bigger. On a similar note, Love My Bubbles Hip Pad Briefs claim to create an instant hourglass figure for women wearing them. Also available in different shapes, sizes, materials, and colors, hip pads are advertised as the simple way for women to miraculously achieve desirable feminine curves. But realistically, the Hip Pad Briefs only place a bunch of stuffing around your midsection. This makes for a really embarrassing experience should anyone happen to touch this area; the cat will be out of the bag, so to speak.

No. 8: Cellu Smooth

It looks like some bizarre contraption from a retro-futuristic movie set, but it is definitely not the future of cellulite removal. With Cellu Smooth, ultrasound waves are supposed to penetrate deep into the skin to break down that unwanted cellulite. Ultrasonic vibrations theoretically cause skin cells to heat up and break down fatty deposits, which are then disposed of naturally through the body. Unfortunately, there is no scientific proof that the ultrasound method works against cellulite, and clearly there is no evidence that Cellu Smooth works. In fact, there is no way strong ultrasound waves can be created in this home setting, at least not enough to ever make a difference to those suffering from cellulite.

No. 7: Luscious Lips Kit

For those women unhappy with the results of today’s numerous lip plumpers, but still too cheap to utilize Restylane injections or other cosmetic surgery measures, then perhaps it is time to get the Luscious Lips Kit. Or not. Get a look that would make Lisa Rinna jealous with only a few pumps of the plunger-looking device that Luscious Lips instructs you to place to your lips. Luscious Lips utilizes a “natural vacuum process” to pull fluid into the lips, plumping the lips while increasing circulation in the lip area. The Luscious Lips pump is supposed to plump up the small lines visible on the lips. By doing this, your lips will allegedly become “smoother, fuller and younger.” Unfortunately, this is not the miracle women with thin lips all over the world have been searching for. Not only does this gadget not work, but the consensus seems to be that it actually hurts. Even Luscious Lips’ website warns of bruising.

No. 6: The Face Trainer

Now, anyone can look like a bizarre, futuristic ninja while tightening sagging facial skin. There seem to be many crazy beauty gadgets on the market claiming that skin tightening can be achieved by taping, pulling, pushing, or otherwise holding the skin on the face in place for prolonged periods of time. In this instance, the Face Trainer attempts to bring resistance training to your face by making simple face movements more difficult, thereby exercising the muscles in the face and neck. This gadget seems to mistakenly connect muscle growth with wrinkle prevention and skin tightening. Not surprisingly, this product does not produce results. As unfortunate as it may be, the reality of the situation is that skin tightening or other enhancement requires a more invasive procedure than wearing a face mask.

No. 5: Neckline Slimmer

The Neckline Slimmer clearly has enough maniacs trying it so that its manufacturer can afford to advertise via television commercial. The Neckline Slimmer claims to reverse the effects of aging without cosmetic surgery, specifically related to those unsightly jowls prevalent in the more elderly community. According to their advertisements, removal or prevention of jowls can be achieved by merely holding the gadget to your chin area with their special hand-held device. In essence, the Neckline Slimmer is supposed to exercise your face and neck muscles to reduce the size of your neckline. For a mere two minutes a day, you can allegedly eliminate any loose skin, as well as neck folds and double-chins. In action, this gadget just makes your head bounce up and down. The product doesn’t actually seem to provide any resistance, which is essential to building muscle. Obviously, moving your head up and down for a few minutes a day is not enough to prevent the aging process, nor is it enough to encourage weight loss in your neck area.

No. 4: Dermaroller

This gadget, consisting of nothing more than a long stick attached to a small wheel, looks strangely like a miniature medieval torture device. The Dermaroller’s wheel is covered in pins that you are supposed to roll over your skin. The small pins attached to the surface of the wheel actually penetrate your skin. This simple process is supposed to increase blood flow to the skin in your face, thereby significantly improving the quality of your skin. These claimed improvements include reducing the size of your pores, correcting transitional acne, removing the grey scales prevalent in aging skin, softening skin, and encouraging new skin cell development. However, this simple process is not painless, and rolling small pins across the surface of your skin can easily cause bleeding. On top of the side-effects, the Dermaroller does not make any noticeable changes in the health of your skin, unless used for a prolonged period of time. Even then, there is something quite disturbing and nonsensical about purposely injuring yourself and cutting small holes into your skin to improve your skin’s beauty. Only purchase this product if you have a secret passion for masochism.

No. 3: Beauty Magnets Party Prep One-Day Face Magic

The concept is simple: take tiny magnets attached to sticky pads and place them all over your face. Let the magnets sit on your face for up to an hour and magically improve your skin tone. The magnets allege to increase the blood’s circulation to the region. In fact, the product proclaims, “To revive and awaken your skin, 30 minutes of relaxation with Beauty Magnets is the perfect party preparation.” Not only will wearing these Beauty Magnets make you look quite silly, but the magnets make your skin feel tingly and itchy throughout the process. Once the 30 to 60 minute process is complete, there is absolutely no evidence of any difference in the appearance of your skin as a result of your moderate suffering.

No. 2: Skin-Lite

Skin-Lite brings the new fad of light therapy treatments, generally available in salons, to the home. The idea contends that stimulating your skin’s cells with colored lights has significant positive effects. Within this concept, it is believed that infra-red light can increase blood flow, improve circulation, and regenerate damaged tissues. Additionally, yellow light can assist in minimizing the appearance of scars, and blue light can target the bacteria causing acne. This is supposed to make your skin look instantly plumper and younger. Skin-Lite is a hand-held gadget that emits pulses of red and near infra-red light in order to stimulate and accelerate the body’s natural healing processes. As an added bonus, this therapy is supposed to also help with acne and wrinkles. Unfortunately, although there are some suggestions that LED light can subtly affect your skin, this at-home device clearly cannot emit enough light energy to make a difference.

No. 1: Emjoi Stylit

Apparently there must be a secret, underground group of women somewhere that are really put-out and aggravated by the energy exerted while brushing your hair. And it is clearly this same group of people that blessed us with the electric hairbrush. Under no circumstances would an electric hairbrush ever be necessary. The combing motion does not utilize much muscle power, does it? The Emjoi Stylit, with its five rows of dual-opposed combs moving back and forth at more than 100 times per second, claims that your hair will look “just shampooed” after use. It also supposedly separates and shakes your hair to add volume and shine. However, it seems that the Emjoi Stylit can only succeed in making a knotted mess of your otherwise decent hair. And anyone can add volume to their hair with proper use of a regular brush (at a cost of $5-$10); no need to plug anything in.