The number 99 tacked in front of any exercise is likely daunting to anyone, but I quickly realize the secret to making this workout feel a lot more doable is to start from the bottom and work your way up. So I start with the 11-minute run. And after the first 4 minutes, I can't take a deep breath without a piercing pain in my lungs.
The next day, I tackle the "22" part of the workout: 22 jumping jacks, crunches, leg lifts, a 22-second "wall sit," and 2 push-ups. The push-ups are a breeze compared to the wall sit. It only takes a few seconds before my thighs begin to burn and my legs start to shake.
But I have to say that despite my initial fears, this workout isn't impossible -- even for a pansy like me. Each portion should only take 5 to 10 minutes and you can do one section a day and work your way up to the 99. For a more strenuous workout, you can do all the reps at once.
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The Skinny Bitch Workout
OK. Whomever came up with this workout routine, created a snazzy design and uploaded it to Pinterest with a catchy name is insane. Six hundred high-knees? One thousand jumping jacks? I know what you're thinking because I'm thinking it too: This is the workout from hell.
Since five gazillion high-knees and jumping jacks isn't exactly a reasonable goal for me, I cut all the reps in this workout by half. And instead of jogging for 45 minutes, I sprint for one minute and jog for five for a total of 20 minutes. (I interviewed Los Angeles-based personal trainer Alexander Cortes for a different story and he told me that interval training is the smartest, most efficient way to do cardio).
Day No. 2's instructions are particularly special: "Lift your upper body until you're jello." I start with the classic bicep curl, which a girl at the gym told me is the best way to firm flabby arms. Since the 5-pound weights on the rack kinda scare the bejesus out of me, I pick up a pair of 2-pounders instead. And I lift until I can't lift any more and sure enough, my arms feel a bit like jello after a couple minutes.
This workout alternates between offering no details ("lift until you're jello") to demanding 1,000 jumping jacks. My bottom line: I'm not going to stick to this workout and wouldn't recommend it to anyone who isn't already a gym rat.
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The 5-4-3-2-1 Workout
Unlike the Skinny Bitch Workout, which uses annoying language like "do pushups until failure," I find this routine to be a bit more encouraging. That's because you get to "take breaks whenever you need them." There's only one little problem: What the hell is a mountain climber?
I imagined it to be someone standing upright and moving her arms and legs as if she's climbing a wall, à la Spiderman. Oh, how wrong I was. My co-worker (who ran track at Georgetown, I might add) demonstrates mountain climbers for me in the middle of the office and my ultra-healthy, yoga snob editor stares at me like I'm the dumbest person alive. I have no idea how to do tricep dips either, but I'm going to hit YouTube for that answer.
Tricep dips knocked me sideways. I can only make it through two before I realize that it's a muscle I never use. The strain is instant. The pain will last for days. Out of all the exercise moves I've done so far, the tricep dip is the most challenging move for me to complete. Oddly, that fact motivates me to keep at it. Perhaps the vision of flab-less arms is keeping me going ...
For whatever reason, there's this prevailing idea that all beauty editors are skinny girls who eat salads, down shots of wheat grass, and live to take spin classes.
Me? I spend my evenings on the couch, eating Hot Cheetos dipped in cream cheese, watching "The Walking Dead." Oh, and I also don't work out. Ever.
I'm diligent and responsible in most aspects of my life, but when it comes to working out or passing up my favorite snack food, I've never been able to muster any willpower. And, so far, it hasn't really mattered. I've always been one of those "lucky" skinny-fat girls who look decent in clothes but couldn't run a mile to save her life.
But then something bad happened: I turned 25 and gained 7 pounds in a month. Not only was my metabolism screeching to a halt, but I also realized I couldn't climb a flight of stairs without panting. To add insult to injury, I noticed my back is perma-hunched from a lack of any measurable upper body strength. All of this points to the fact that even though I wear a size 2, I am the most unfit person ever.
Since the idea of hiring a personal trainer to forcibly make me shape up is laughable on my writer's salary, I opened my laptop and started searching for free workouts. My first stop for inspiration? Pinterest. It inspires all other aspects of my life, so I figured it might help in the exercise realm, too.
I looked for the four most re-pinned workouts that I could easily print out and follow. And to hold myself accountable, I decided to share my workout journey with y'all. Want to know if I'll live to do another wall squat? So do I ...
