We give you a crappy massage if you show up wasted
Maybe it's the dim lighting and the lack of clothes, but our sources say some people are convinced that a massage should be a drunken affair, especially if they're at a hotel or on vacation. "They come in after several cocktails and it's difficult to work with them. They become dead weight on the table."
Our source explains that alcohol can actually hinder your spa experience, for a few reasons. One, you're likely to fall asleep, so you're missing out on the experience entirely. Two, even if you stay awake, if you're drunk you won't be as present and aware of your body so you won't experience the stress release as much as you would sober. Three, alcohol can interfere with the endorphin release that happens during a massage, so the effects might not last as long.
Our advice: if you want to booze it up, do it after the massage.
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We want to throw your phone in a vat of massage oil
Electronic beeps and rapid-fire thumb typing don't exactly fall under the category of soothing, but despite this, "some people will answer their phone or start texting in the middle of a massage — and it happens more than you think," says our source.
This should be a no-brainer: don't multi-task during a massage. That means no calls, no email, no texting. Just relax — enjoy your time on the table. Our source stresses that this is often the only time you'll have to completely unplug and remove yourself from everyday life. Instead of fighting it, embrace it. Life as you know it won't turn to complete chaos after 50 minutes away from your iPhone.
Our source offers a few more tips to get the most out of your massage:
• To maximize the benefits of the massage, drink plenty of water before and after your appointment.
• Plan to get to the spa early so you have time to take a hot shower and relax before the massage.
• During the massage pay attention to your breathing, making sure it is deep and relaxed. Also communicate any pressure or comfort needs you may have with your massage therapist.
• Minimize your to-do list before and after the massage, and [ideally] take the day off.
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We think you smell
While it might seem obvious to take a shower before you have someone touching your body, plenty of people hop on the table right after a workout or smelling like they just returned from a week-long camping trip. In those instances clients are told to hit the showers &mdash: and the time wasted comes out of their massage, says our source. Yet another reason to take advantage of the steam room and shower before your appointment.
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Our licenses mean jack
Our source explains that just because a massage therapist is licensed, doesn't mean you'll be getting a fantastic massage.
"Licensing is based more on theory than on hands on [practice]. Just because a massage therapist is licensed doesn't mean that he or she will give a good massage."
So if you are looking for the best of the best, ask friends for referrals or check out sites like CitySearch and Yelp where people can review spas and therapists.
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We make fun of you after you leave
It may sound mean, but some massages turn into incidents too funny not to share, say the therapists we spoke to. So they go ahead and dish (minus names). Our source shares one such story:
"A couple came in to enjoy side by side massages. The gentleman stated that he wanted to focus on his neck and back. He never said to avoid any area. When the massage began he jumped into a sitting position. The technician asked if everything was OK. He said yes. As she got to his scalp, it sounded as if Velcro or something noisy was in his hair. He finally told the technician to focus on his legs. Turns out, he was with a new girlfriend, and he had a toupee."
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When we're stressed out and need a break, we book a massage. Great idea, right? That is until we're lying topless on a table, in a room alone with a complete stranger, and that complete stranger is seeing and touching us. Naked. Naturally, we start to wonder what this person is thinking and fill in the blanks on our own:
"Geez, someone needs to lay off the cheesecake...um, have you ever heard of waxing?...wow, looks like we've found the record-holder for cellulite!"
And now, what was intended to be a relaxing hour of reprieve has us more stressed out than we were to begin with. To keep ourselves from going crazy, we had to find out: Is this what massage therapists are really thinking?
Uh, yeah — kind of. We got several masseuses to reveal what's really going through their heads when they're rubbing their clients down — and as you'll see, it's not always so pretty.
But before you swear off the spa forever, know that it's not all bad. In fact, these massage therapists also clued us in to a few tips that'll have you more relaxed on the table — and even for days after your massage. Read on to see what they have to say.
