Dude food lesson No. 7: Don't be a hero

Earlier this week I bought a package of bacon that I'm determined to eat. I've never in my life felt so ambivalent about the crackling sound of sizzling meat or bacon's hickory-tinged aroma. I dig deep and manage to polish off eight slices, plus eggs, that, if I'm being honest, are probably about half shredded cheese.

By lunch I'm full of dread. Until now, I'd been looking forward to today's Arby's lunch. As a teen I'd drive to the next town over just to satisfy my Big Montana cravings (a habit I kicked once I developed an adult metabolism and a little nutritional self-awareness). Under normal circumstances, I'd relish this rare guilty pleasure. But today, I am a broken woman. I glare at the gray layers of meat nestled in the plush Arby's bun You've got this, I whisper to myself, attracting one fast-food worker's quizzical look.

Afterward I can't entertain the idea of eating for several hours. I stare at the TV and will my stomach to digest. When my hunger pangs return, I know it's over. I reach for my phone, and instead of ordering a large meat-lover's pizza as planned, I demand that Siri connect me to the nearest vegan restaurant. Within an hour my dinner is at my doorstep: A quinoa power salad.

"I'm a quitter," I moan to my husband, mouth full of bell pepper, avocado and fennel. He kindly reminds me that men eat vegetables too as he tucks into his bowl of Cap'n Crunch.

Calories consumed: 1,797
Time spent preparing food: 15 minutes
Current mental state: Utterly defeated

Total calories consumed: 16,063
Average calories per day: 2,295
Total time spent preparing food: 103 minutes

So, what did I learn from this reverse cleanse? Did the countless pounds of meat awaken my inner ruggedness? Put hair on my chest? Force me to man up?

Short answer: meh. Aside from the four pounds I gained and spray of pimples that appeared across my cheeks, I don't feel like I changed. The not-so-surprising takeaway from this little experiment is that if you eat like crap, you feel like crap.

However, there is something to be said for a diet that values efficiency over all things. I spent less than two hours total on meal prep, which had I been able to muster the energy to do more than languish in front of the TV, could have been a boon to my to-do list.

Plus, I've gained a newfound appreciation for fresh, un-fried, non-meat foods. And at the same time, filling my plate with edible untouchables (calories, fat, grease) has been liberating. It was thrilling to eat the foods I regularly deny myself. Even when taken to the Nth degree, it didn't kill me to indulge. Going forward, if I want a hamburger instead of a salad, I'm going to order the damn hamburger. #Yolo.