Just as it took the early settlers time to build Jamestown, it takes weeks for beneficial microbes to colonize and flourish. To help speed along the process, I eliminate all variables that could endanger my fledgling flock. Its list of enemies is long: hot water, overexfoliation and most conventional beauty products. Anything with preservatives or antibacterial properties is verboten. I also do away with showering to see just how effective this bacteria in a bottle is at keeping me clean.

But since I, and the rest of my team, have doubts that I can last 30 days without a shower, I convince our editorial assistant Jessica to give up her beloved hygiene products, too.

Here's what our hygiene routine will look like for the next 30 days:
• Spray Mother Dirt all over twice a day, or more frequently as needed
• No baths, showers, pools or hot tubs
• Rinse face, armpits and groin with water every three days, if necessary
• No soap*, deodorant, shampoo, dry shampoo, lotion, lip balm, baby wipes, makeup or any other product that touches the skin or scalp. Brushes, hair accessories and tools are OK
*Hand soap -- for the sake of health codes and everyone around us -- is allowed

Our obsession with cleanliness, from clinical-strength antiperspirant to hand sanitizer, is wreaking havoc on our skin, according to Jasmina Aganovic, president of Mother Dirt. We've confused cleanliness with sterility, she explains. And even though we know too many antibiotics are bad for our health and dirt comes with a host of health benefits, we still take an overzealous approach to wiping out bodily grime.

"We're so busy getting that squeaky-clean feeling and, as a result, we're not just getting rid of the bad bugs, we're getting rid of the good bugs too," explains board-certified dermatologist Dr. Whitney Bowe, clinical assistant professor of dermatology at Icahn School of Medicine at Mount Sinai Medical Center. These bacteria, she says, help maintain a normal skin environment. Each time we disrupt that ecosystem, via harsh cleansers or overscrubbing, we're putting our skin in a state of confusion and stress. The result: An inflammatory state that can cause acne, sensitive skin and conditions like eczema, rosacea and psoriasis. As someone with overly reactive skin, eczema and psoriasis, I wonder if this no-soap experiment will be my panacea.

The night before the big day, I take the longest shower of my life, box up all of my beauty products and stow them in my closet. I text Jessica to make sure she does the same. The rest of the Total Beauty team takes bets on how long we'll last.

I wake up exhausted from a night of tossing and turning. I'm surprisingly stressed about going to work without makeup. Whether self-imposed or not, there are expectations of how the editor in chief of a beauty web site should look. And when you work with a team of editors who appear as though they've never had a bad skin day in their lives, it's intimidating to walk into the office without concealer or lipstick -- especially when you're 41 and sleep-deprived.

Once awake, I retrieve my mist from the refrigerator, strip down, spritz myself with microbes, brush my teeth and get dressed. I'm ready in exactly five minutes. This, I think, is what it's like to be a guy. Lucky bastards.

At the office, no one bats an eye at my makeup-free face. All in all, it's a surprisingly normal day -- though my armpits are distractingly damp and clammy. I thought I would smell worse by the end of the day than I do. Or maybe, I panic, I'm the only one who doesn't detect my own stench.

Here's where I confess that I'm a heavy-duty sweater -- as in, I've considered Botox to decrease the output. I can't wear bright colors; silk is most definitely out; even button-ups pose problems. I carry antiperspirant everywhere, the way others do lip balm.

It's also significant to note that Jessica works out hardcore every day at lunch. It's a habit she refuses to give up, no matter how bad things may get.

Today, I can smell myself. The scent is skunky and oniony. Rubbing the mist into my armpits does nothing to alleviate it. I keep my arms pinned to my sides all day. At lunch, I put on a jacket so I can sit with the team without making them gag.

As soon as I get home, I put on a clean t-shirt. My husband agrees to spoon that night -- as long as I'm the big spoon.

I wake up with raw, chafed armpits from the constant wetness. I realize the electric trimmer I bought will go unused, and that armpit hair will be my ally against friction. My husband, already cranky about the project, vehemently disagrees.

But today, I get to rinse. I stand in an empty tub with a cup of water, which I ceremoniously splash onto my face, armpits and lady parts. Water has never felt so luxurious. By now, I thought I'd be coated in grease. Instead, my skin is uncomfortably dry, and my lip balm fantasies border on obscene.

My hair, on the other hand, is stringy AF. By midday, when I run a brush through my hair, it stays slicked back. The patch of psoriasis on my scalp cannot handle the squalor and starts to flare up. I spritz it with Mother Dirt in hopes it will alleviate the itch. It does for awhile.

When I complain to my husband that I look and feel disgusting, he thinks I'm being dramatic. After all, it's not the first time I've gone three days without showering. But here's the thing: Without dry shampoo, deodorant or even a measly makeup wipe, it feels (and smells) 100 percent worse.