How does someone know if one of their friends is "toxic"?
Kristin Wilson: "A toxic friendship brings your mood down rather than uplifting you; encourages unhealthy behavior, such as substance use or gossiping about others; and brings chaos and stress into your life rather than energy and positivity. A friend who consistently competes with you rather than celebrating your wins, or who criticizes and manipulates you (either subtly or overtly) is a toxic friend. All friendships go through rough spots, and even good friends hurt our feelings sometimes, but when that's the case more often than not, it may be time to end the friendship. Another sign of a toxic friendship is giving more than you're getting, whether it's favors, time, listening, or gifts — but when you need something, they're nowhere to be found. In addition, toxic friendships can actually create physical symptoms related to stress: headaches, stomachaches, high blood pressure, etc."
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How common are toxic friends?
Wilson: "Toxic friendships are more common than you might think. When you have a long history with someone, or you bonded closely at one time but have grown in different directions since then, it can be difficult to recognize that the friendship is no longing serving you. If you're unsure, ask another person you trust who knows you both — a family member or a mutual friend — if they can give you an honest assessment of the dynamic."
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How can a toxic friend affect a person?
Wilson: "Toxic friends make us feel worse about ourselves — by criticizing us directly or indirectly, encouraging negative and unhealthy behavior, and/or bringing out parts of us we don't like. Toxic friendships can undermine our self-esteem and ability to trust others, and erode our attempts to form positive habits.
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How do you know if you should break up with a toxic friend?
Wilson: "The easiest way to figure out whether a friend is toxic is by asking yourself, Do I feel better or worse after I spend time with this person? Do I like myself when I'm with them? Do I trust this person to be there for me? If your answer to those questions is no, it's time to break up.
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How can you break up with a toxic friend?
Wilson: "You can try a gradual route: Set boundaries that minimize your time and conversations with this person; turn down most of their invitations until they get the hint or the friendship fades away on its own. But the more mature approach is to be direct: Let them know that this friendship isn't serving you and that you need space from it. It's best if you can do this without anger or blame, as your goal isn't to vent your anger but rather to create distance. However, if your friend is unexpectedly open to hearing what you have to say, tell them what's not working for you about the relationship (make sure to use 'I' statements). Maybe they'll surprise you by acknowledging their role in the situation, and making an effort to change the dynamic."
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